Captain Sirius and the Remus
by Evilgrinch
Summary: All you fluff fans are in for a treat. The ultimate romantic RS epic.


**MUWHAHAHAH……I LIED TO ALL YOU CRAZY FLUFF OBSESSIVES. REMUS AND SIRIUS ARE SO NOT GAY.**

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**Sirius and Remus watch Pirates, then sell some meat and fish.**

"That's it, then? That's the secret, grand adventure of the infamous Jack Sparrow. You spent three days lying on a beach drinking rum."

"Welcome to the Caribbean, luv."

Several giggles were heard throughout the cinema as Johnny Depp jumped about madly waving his bottle. No laugh was greater though then that which emanated from the mouth of Mr.Sirius Black, sitting shaking with hilarity in the front row

"For GOD'S sake Sirius, be quiet right now…you're making a scene!" Remus Lupin whispered angrily, grimacing at his friend through the darkness.

"Sorry Remus, but this guy just rules so much. I kinda think he looks a bit like me, you know. My hair isn't quite that long, and my accent isn't quite as weird… but we look alike."

"You think you look like Johnny Depp?"

"Possibly."

"Unbelievable. Your arrogance staggers even me, Sirius, and I have known you for longer then anyone."

"Dumbledore, you haven't known me for as long as Dumbledore."

"DUMBLEDORE?!?! He sees you once every few weeks…if he is lucky…I have to put up with you all the time. Anyway…be quiet…you are distracting me from the film."

Stuffing popcorn in his friend's mouth, to shut him up…Remus turned his attention back to the film.

1 HOUR LATER

Sirius stumbled out of the cinema, enthusiastically, waving a candyfloss about, and singing.

"We're rascals and scoundrels, we're villains and knaves,   
Drink up, me 'arties, yo ho!   
We're devils and black sheep, really bad eggs,   
Drink up, me 'arties, yo ho!"

"SHUT UP SIRIUS!!!"

"Sorry."

Sirius fell apologetically silent as they opened the doors to Remus' car and climbed in. Remus reversed out of the parking space and exited the carpark…making his way out onto the dual carriageway.

"Fancy a little music?"

Too impatient to wait for a reply, Sirius reached over and switched on the radio. With a faint crackling, a new voice filled the car.

"And in other news, the latest book in JK Rowling's phenomenally successful 'Harry Potter' series, has come top of a BBC poll to find the most popular book of 2003."

Remus quickly switched the radio back off, glancing momentarily at the look of frustration that filled Sirius face whenever the book was mentioned. He relaxed back in his seat, gripping the wheel…waiting for the inevitable next line.

"I do not BELIEVE she killed me!"

"Oh come on Sirius, everyone has to die sometime. You died a good death. I know the fans liked it."

"Sorry Remus, but I am still having trouble coping with this. It would have been fine if she had killed off one of the Weasley's…or that irritating Tonks woman…but ME?"

"Oh, you're just jealous."

"Jealous…jealous of what?"

"That I survived."

"Oh…really…survived did you? And…who cares about crappy prematurely aging Professor Lupin. You weren't even mentioned in Goblet of fire!"

"Oh shut up."

The car flew around a roundabout, and up a one-way road…narrowly missing a Toyota.

"And I was in Goblet ACTUALLY. Dumbledore mentioned me near the end I believe."

"Well good for you. Haven't you thought though for one minute, that even in the unlikely event that JK ever gets round to writing another book…its not going to be out for a good two or three years. Exactly what are you going to do for money?"

"I can teach."

"Teach muggles…yeah, right!"

"Hmmm…why do you have to be so nasty all the time Sirius?"

"Its not my fault, its just the way I was written, savvy"

"STOP QUOTING THAT STUPID FILM SIRIUS!!!!!"

2 WEEKS LATER

Sirius sat watching daytime television, as Remus flicked through the newspaper…. looking for vacancies.

"You know Sirius, you are never going to find a job by sitting there lazily all day."

"I don't need a job Remy old boy, I have everything I need right here. The television, my cereal…my…hey…what are you doing with the newspaper?"

"Looking for a job you idiot. Were you born worthless, or did you have to work at it?"

"Were you always this horrible Remus, you used to be cool in the books?"

(Author thinks for a moment, and then starts changing Remus' character.)

"Hi Sirius! Would you like me to bake you some cookies"

(Too nice)

"Sirius, why don't you come over here, sit on my knee, and help me to find a job."

(Too disturbing)

"Sirius, come over here right away and help me to find a job."

(Better)

"Only if you're serious about those cookies Rembow?"  
  


"I was joking actually…and don't call me that…its embarrassing. My mother used to call me that."

"Surely you must like me calling you it then?"

"She called me it when I was a BABY."

"Oh…my bad."

With a moment's hesitation, Sirius clambered out of his seat and wondered over to the table, where Remus was eying a large advert for the Waitrose partnership.

"What is it 

"I feel the urge to cut meat and gut fish, Sirius."

"What the…"

"I'm being serious."

"No, you're being weird."

"Well, this advert says that this Waitrose store is in dire need of someone to work on their service counters, preparing and selling uncooked food products. I think this could be the job for us."

"But…we're wizards Remus. Why would we want muggle jobs?"

"Well…er… I was going to talk to you about that."

"Talk away."

"I accidentally sold my wand over eBay."

"You WHAT!!!!"

"It was an accident."

"Accident?"

"Yes…an accident. Don't pretend you haven't ever made any mistakes, Sirius."

"Like what?"

"Remember when you were the Potter's secret keeper, and you went and sold them out to Voldemort…indirectly causing their deaths and leaving that nasty scar on Harry's forehead."

"Were you even LISTENING in the shack? It was Peter."

"Yes…Peter…. right…. the dead one."

Remus coolly raised his eyebrow.

2 WEEKS LATER 

Sirius and Remus stood at the fish counter, extremely bored and holding J-clothes.

"I'm going to switch off the counter, Sirius…this sucks. The author cannot even be bothered to think up some sort of interesting situation for us to be in, let alone giving us any dialogue he invented himself."

"Welcome to Jurassic Park, Remus"

"SEE! That didn't even make sense. You are siriusly talking crap, Sirius. Stupid plagiarising bastard. I quit this job…you can work here on your own."

"I can't manage this counter all by me onesies, savvy? So, can you sail under the command of a Sirius, or can you not?"

"ARRRRRRRGH! SHUT UP!"

To be continued…

well, probably not


End file.
